she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
