those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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