Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
