I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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