your thong is hanging out like whoa
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
