I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
