i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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