the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize