I wish I could teleport
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
