now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
