Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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