How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
