Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
