we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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