If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Four minutes until I can fart!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
