When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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