Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
