Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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