so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
