i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
