At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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