can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
