Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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