are you still at the devil's house?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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