i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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