sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
