Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just invented taco cereal.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
