I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
