I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
