you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
