i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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