What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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