He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
