Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
