Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
