Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
