is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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