I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Damn victory sex feels great
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
