some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
