well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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