something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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