I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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