Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize