We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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