I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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