I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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