Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
