So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
