I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
