I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm getting married
To pizza
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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