i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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