he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
