My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
