I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize