Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
