Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Randomize
