Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
