I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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