like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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