this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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