She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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