jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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