thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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