He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
