This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize