Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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